How can we effectively communicate behavioral expectations to our children? This article explores the concept of positive or expected behavior versus negative or unexpected behavior.
By educating children about these behavioral distinctions, we empower them to understand how their bodies react to various triggers, circumstances, and situations. This knowledge becomes a valuable tool in enhancing their awareness and mindfulness of their surroundings and environment. Remember, mindfulness involves being fully present, acknowledging one's surroundings, companions, and understanding one's place in the current moment.
Understanding Feelings and Reactions
Before delving into expected and unexpected behaviors, it's essential to grasp the connection between feelings and reactions. Feelings represent internal sensations within ourselves and our children. For instance, if a child loses a board game and responds by yelling, screaming, or quitting, they are likely experiencing sadness and/or frustration. These internal feelings lead to external reactions or behaviors. While the feeling might be frustration, the observable behavior is what adults notice.
Expected Behavior vs. Unexpected Behavior
When a child opts to run away from a game or declares they are quitting, this constitutes a negative and unexpected reaction—a tantrum. These are the behaviors we aim to acknowledge rather than avoid. Such behaviors can make the child or those around them, including classmates and friends, feel uncomfortable, upset, or frustrated. Some parents may try to dodge these situations to sidestep dealing with tantrums. However, by doing so, they miss out on an opportunity to guide their children in processing these emotions effectively—a skill they can carry forward in life.
Encouraging Expected Behavior
Our goal is to encourage expected behavior where children recognize their feelings and utilize strategies like taking a break, deep breathing, or using tools like a fidget ball to manage these emotions. By instilling these coping mechanisms early on, children can apply them later in life; whether they face disappointment at age 18 or job setbacks at 25, these tools will serve them well.
Tips for Teaching
Practice these skills with your child when they are calm or in a positive mindset (green zone) to enable clear-headed learning.
Engage in role-playing exercises to simulate triggers while your child is in a happy state, so they can recognize effective coping strategies when faced with similar situations.
Model emotional regulation by verbalizing your feelings and actions in front of your child. For instance, express your frustration calmly and demonstrate taking a break before addressing the issue.
Encourage discussions about emotions and reactions, allowing children to reflect on past experiences and consider alternative responses for future situations.
Consistently practice these skills with your child during peaceful times, understanding that change takes time and effort. While perfection may not be attainable, consistent practice reinforces positive behavior.
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